Hup! Two, Three, Four

Why don't hold-ups, hold up? The nylon sort of course, I'm not into wearing them on my head and robbing banks. I have lost count of the number of times I have worn them for just two days only to find that by mid-morning, I have this slipping, sliding feeling half way down one or both legs. I have been known to keep them up with an elastic band, but it's not long before I lose all sensation in the said leg(s) and start to worry that my leg(s) will fall off. Today was one of those days.

I have set myself a target. Lose two stone by Christmas, that is, in just 12 weeks. I figure if I can lose 2-3lbs a week, it's achievable. So, I have a new regime: Cornflakes & toast for breakfast, apple mid-morning, cornflakes for lunch, banana mid-afternoon, normal dinner and the daily recommended amount of alchohol (my measures). You see, I simply cannot give up that evening drink, it helps me unwind and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc is a pre-requisite when organising up to four different meals for four awkward people.

The other part of my new regime is to build in a 30 minute brisk walk at lunchtime. So I bring to work some comfy shoes and a pair of trousers that normally wouldn't see the light of day. Trouble is, I would prefer to remain as anonymous as possible when doing this walking stuff, but I work in a busy urban area, with shops, cars and people in abundance. I left the office at 1.05pm today and hit the road with a heart-pumpingly brisk walk, staring at the pavement in an effort to avoid everyone in sight. Then it struck me, here I am wishing I were invisible and there are these two huge bouncing boobs doing everything they can to attract attention, lolloping away in different directions and sparring me for a black eye. I really must invest in a sports bra.

Halfway around, a "ring and ride" bus trundled past me. I considered flagging it down for a moment, but only for a moment, knowing how I would later beat myself up for failing, yet again.

I walked for 40 minutes in a rather random circuit, not knowing where I was heading. As a result I walked down the same residential road twice. The first time, I had noticed various people, the man painting his window ledge, the roofing contractors standing over a vat of melting tar, the builder sitting in his van with his doorstep sandwich and flask of steaming tea. A matter of only 10 minutes later, I was heading back to the office down the same residential road - I crossed over to add some variety. The man painting his window ledge turned and spotted me for the second time. Maybe he thought he was going mad, or maybe he thought he was experiencing Groundhog Day, or maybe he thought, silly cow. This is going to be a hard one to keep up, as the actress said to the bishop.